If you refer to your boobs as “the girls”, I hate you, period.

In no particular order:

• If you took the auction pictures with a toaster and I can’t tell what the grainy blob is supposed to be, let alone whether it is actually “NWOT”: No bid, because you have no business listing anything until you learn to aim a fucking point-and-shoot camera. Christ…are you from the past?
• If you provide only one picture for a three-dimensional item: -$25.00.
• If you have typed “L@@K!” in the title: -$5.00.
• If you have typed any part of the listing ALL IN CAPS: $5.00.
• If you have used the word “HOT!!” anywhere in the title or listing: -$5.00.
• If you have used the non-word, “HOTTTT!!!!” anywhere in the title or listing: -$10.00. Also, EABOD.
• If you display clothing items on a person: -$10.00, and I don’t care if the tags are still on it–buy a fucking mannequin or just leave it on the hanger.
• If you display shoes on a person: -$20.00, and even then, they’d better be NIB and something I can’t find elsewhere because…someone else’s feet. Fucking ewww!
• If you display shoes on someone’s bare feet: No bid. Jesus H. Christ. Why do you think shoe stores have those little pantyhose-ends things?
• If you display a a top at MySpace angles with some skank’s boobs hanging halfway out of it in her “adds two sizes!” push-up bra: -$10.00 (and if I do buy it, I’m washing it before I even try it on!)
• If you display jeans on a skank who’s obviously sticking her arse out as far as she possibly can in an effort to look “bootylicious”: -$15.00 (and I’m spraying the inside with Lysol before I even put them in the washer before trying them on because I don’t want her fucking crotch crickets.)
• If you don’t know the difference between a hobo bag and a shopper: -$10-$15, depending upon how much I like the purse.
• If you misspell the colour or name of the item:  -$5-$10, depending upon the egregiousness of the spelling error.

I’m sure I’ll think of more. God, people are the stupidest things to ever walk the face of the planet.

Red-fucking-Green.

“Can’t it wait until I get up?” Well, of course it can! I could have the entire project completed an hour before you got up if you’d help me for five minutes now, but of course it can wait! What could possibly be more important than your fucking afternoon nap? Oh, yes, it can wait…as long as you don’t think “wait” and “forgive” are the same thing, because they most emphatically are not.

Here we go with the prayer shit again.  It’s not bad enough that some asshole shot facrissake firefighters, but you morons can’t just express simple sympathy or STFU. Nooooo, you have to drag your idiotic fairy stories into everything, don’t you? So, tell me again, why does your Invisible Sky Daddy let shit like this happen? Oh, that’s right…punishing the sinners for keeping “him” out of their lives. Of course. Your kind and loving Invisible Sky Daddy.

Jesus Christ. If the hideous babyshit yellow-green, obviously used (I’d searched “new”) sandals with dirty heel and toe marks in them wouldn’t be enough to send me shopping elsewhere, those unbelievable cankles certainly would. Okay, so we can’t all have delicate ankles–I don’t–but holy Christ on a cracker, if you’ve literally got cankles, you don’t use them to try to sell something! On top of that, you did it with a sloppy, white pedicure on your creepy-looking toes? Just…ick. Find a friend who wears the same shoe size, get a set of those plastic display feet…hell, stuff the goddamned things with tissue paper!

.

If I see one more “prayers going out to…blah blah…Sandy Hook Elementary…blah” FB status, I’m going to fucking barf. You know what your prayers are worth? Jack shit. Why, exactly, would talking to a non-existent entity after the fact be of any use? Yep, non-existent. Where was your omnipotent and omniscient Invisible Sky Daddy before those poor people got shot? Taking a nap? No? So “He” let this happen…why? Oh, that’s right–it’s part of “His” grand plan, which we puny humans could not possibly understand! Any plan that involves the death of a bunch of little kids and the adults who tried to save them is a pretty shitty plan if you ask me. That’s right…humans can’t possibly understand what our kind and loving Invisible Sky Daddy could have in store for us, and if it involves senseless murders committed by some fucking lunatic…well, that’s just what has to happen, right? He’s probably just teaching heathens like me a lesson so we’ll mumble some worthless words in “His” direction, and then he won’t kill any more kids. Yep, Invisible Sky Daddy is indeed kind and loving! Just shut the fuck up. If you want to pray, do it. I suppose a bit of breath isn’t much to waste, but for fuck’s sake, keep it off your FB status because if I roll my eyes any harder, they’re going to stick that way, and surely kind and loving Invisible Sky Daddy wouldn’t want one of “His” beloved children to be blind!

Okay, Google Voice officially fucking RULES. I’ve had it since last summer, but rarely used it (did a short while for P. to send me SMS before I boosted my limit) because I didn’t want to give out a new number to everyone and then have it turn out that I didn’t care for GV after all and wanted to go back to just using my normal mobile number…and would have to tell everyone to go back to that number. I discovered today, though, that GV can do something that makes me very, very happy. Even if you don’t want to use the GV number, you can set it so that the voice mails for any number are forwarded to GV to be transcribed. AWESOME! I hate voice mail. I don’t know why, and it’s certainly unreasonable, but I abso-fucking-lutely hate voice mail. Even the iPhone’s visual voice mail, which at least means I don’t have to navigate through pressing a billion buttons and can just touch the play button. Nope, still hate voice mail. I never listen to them; I just look to see who called and then call them back because chances are about 90% that’s all the message says anyway. Besides, I get an alert for a missed call right away, but AT&T’s voice mail service is so goddamned slow that it might be an hour after the call before I get the notification, or it might be the next day, and a few times, I’ve never got notification at all. AT&T sucks for almost everything, but their voice mail is particularly horrendous. Now, I don’t have to concern myself with voice mail at all because when someone calls my mobile and leaves me a voice mail message, it gets forwarded to GV, and I immediately get a text message telling me that I have a new voice mail (gives me a short preview of the transcribed message, too), and also an email with the full transcription, plus a link to listen to the message if I so choose (which I won’t unless the transcription totally fails to get the message across). It’s a machine transcription, so it won’t be 100% accurate, but my tests show it to be at least as accurate as Dragon’s NaturallySpeaking with my voice, so as long as the caller doesn’t truly mumble or have an industrial-strength accent, it should be fine, and if the voice mail simply says (as T. often does), “Hey, call me when you get a chance,” I can just look at the text message and call her instead of starting the phone app, poking the voice mail page (this assumes that AT&T has actually notified me that I have new voice mail on the same day the caller left it), then hitting play and hearing muffled words until I remember to poke “speaker”, only to hear her…ask me to call her. Damn, I hate voice mail. 🙂

This actually made me smile. Wil gets a reprieve…for now. 🙂

I use Twitter. Yeah, I said it. I don’t use it like most people, or at least I don’t think I do. I occasionally tweet something, but neither know nor care how many followers I have, and really, I use it mostly to follow tech news sites, iPhone devs and a few celebrities. Internet celebs like “shitmydadsays” and “CreepyCupid”, but also a few ex-ST actors. Not that they have anything profound to say, or that I’m actually a “fan” (too fickle to be a fan of any actor or musician), but just for the hell of it. LeVar Burton is a geek, and seems like a decent person as well. Brent Spiner is a narcissistic, cynical, sarcastic old bastard, but occasionally, I’ll get a grin out of something mean he says to the masochistic followers who actually ask him questions. I never liked Wesley the Wonder Boy in TNG, but decided to follow anyway because everyone on Reddit makes such a big deal about his posting on there (occasionally), and he’s kind of geeky. I think I’m done with ol’ Wil, though, because if he’s not whoring his books, he’s whoring his blog. Jesus Christ, man–if I wanted updates to your blog posts, I’d google the goddamned thing and add the RSS feed. As for your, “I was looking through my old blog posts and came across…” tweets, holy fuck, Batman; bad enough to whore the new stuff, but you have to dredge up old stuff, too? It’s practically masturbatory! I didn’t read it the first time, and certainly don’t want to read it a year later. You’re just not that interesting. At least we know Shatner is a media whore, and so does he. You? You’re a media whore and don’t even seem to know it. I’d stop following you, but you have over a million and wouldn’t notice one less. Goddamn, you’re way too much like the character you played when you were just a fresh-faced kid with weird, plastic-y hair!