I don’t have any children. There are a few reasons, the most important of which is…that I don’t like children. I don’t hate them, but I have little patience for them and prefer the variety found on calendar pictures to the real thing. My house is not childproof, and neither am I.

JD’s stepson is Jacob; called Jake. I think he’s eleven or so, and as far as kids go, he’s a pretty good one. Still, when I go to the park, I’m there to do one of two things (caddy or take pictures), and neither of those things involves being trailed by a living, breathing question machine. Jake is nowhere near as annoying as Ashton or Ashley or Ashford or whatever Jeff’s loud, hyperactive daughter is called, but I just want to be left the hell alone to do what I came there to do.

I knew that JD was bringing Jake yesterday, and I told P that he’d have to caddy for himself because I wasn’t in the mood to tolerate even a good kid. That was fine with him, but then the poor child got bored with the boys and walked across from the fourth hole to the ninth to wait. I pretended I didn’t notice, but he did look kind of pitiful, just sitting there on his own at the tee box on #9. He left with JD and P after that, and I went off stalking critters and greenery, but when we reached #14, I ran into them again and Jake decided to hang out with me from that point on. On one hand, I feel kind of bad for him because he obviously likes hanging out with me (I’ve no idea why); he tries to find things I might like to photograph (and does a pretty good job), but on the other hand, it’s annoying because I don’t want company, I just want to do what I want to do. That’s one of the other reasons that I don’t have children (or pets like dogs or cats, and why I like being married to a man who can amuse himself); when I want to be left the hell alone, I want to be left the hell alone.

We’re leaving in a few minutes. I don’t know whether JD’s wife will allow (yes, allow) him to play on a Sunday (though it is after church), but if he’s there, I hope he came alone. *sigh*

/. is funny even when it doesn’t necessarily mean to be funny.

*****

well, the guy who submitted the story uses Fahrvergnuegen as his nick, so maybe he thinks in German. . .

*****

Rather not. “Fahrvergnügen” is as far as I can remember some buzzword introduced in VW in the US to describe the joy of driving (that’s what it means, translated) one of their cars.

But that’s about it. A buzzword. If you even say that word here, you’d get veeeeery strange looks. It simply has no meaning and sounds just plain weird.

*****

Issat so. Always sounded like Far-Fig-Newton to me. Like a cookie — err, excuse me, fruit and cake — that’s just barely out of reach. 

I was looking for some good quality Azis videos last night, and decided to read some of the comments on various sites. Damn, there are a lot of people who don’t like him! 😆 I think he’s fantastic; he’s an absolute freak and doesn’t give a shit. He’s got a stocky build and under ordinary circumstances would look…like a man. Under Azis circumstances, though, he often wears extreme drag queen makeup. He might be dressed in flamboyant women’s clothes, or maybe homoerotic leather and chains, or maybe “normal” masculine clothes–you won’t know until you see him. His videos are very seductive, but the seduction may be of a man, or a woman…or more than one of either, or both at the same time.

Born Vasil Troyanov Boyanov, he’s a daskane roma (Bulgarian gypsy) and relatively dark-skinned, but bleaches his hair and goatee white, and it appears that he removes all visible body hair (or for all I know, all body hair). Sometimes he wears a long, white wig that would put anything Dolly Parton ever wore to shame. In one of his videos, he sort of reminds me of Dee Snider, only a lot better looking (without his makeup, Azis is actually quite handsome and with it, he’s pretty). Since he’s a gypsy, I’d assume his eyes are naturally brown, but in the video for “Kazvash che me obichash” (and others), he wears ice blue contacts…and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that much lip collagen (and lip gloss) even in pictures of Hollywood events! He’s not only flaming gay, and a transvestite, and proud of it, but he’s actually married (though it is not legal in the country) to a man. Did the whole thing, bridesmaids and all. Bahaha–love it! I just like to look at him–he’s a freak and not only does he not care who thinks he’s a freak, he’s an in-your-face freak. Awesome. How do you not like a man who looks like this:

Or, on another day, might look like this:

His voice is lovely (sounds not quite like a woman, not quite like a man), but even that isn’t enough to get him past some people because although he used to be a traditional (traditional??) Romani singer, he now sings chalga. Chalga music is popular, especially among “the masses”, but many people dislike the genre because it takes bits and pieces from different Balkan folk traditions. I suppose that would mean it’s the Bulgarian “purists” who hate it, and that they hate it because it is not wholly Bulgarian..or because it’s popular with the lower classes. Fuck them. I love it because it’s rhythmic, exotic and has a dance hook. I’ve not a clue what they’re singing and couldn’t care less–it sounds good and that’s what music is about.

I guess you either love Azis or you hate him. I think he’s cool. 😆

Oops. Forgot what is perhaps my favourite photo of all. Stand this guy up, put him in coveralls and he could be changing the oil in your car.

I thought that hell would probably be frozen solid before I’d ever type those words, but I must give credit where credit is due. Yay, Dell. Yes, Dell, Inc., as in, “Dude, you’re gettin’ a…”

Rumours have been flying lately and there was a press release on Canonical yesterday (maybe day before), but today, it’s officially official; a large image displayed on Dell’s site. “Coming soon by popular demand, Ubuntu.” Of course there are still the “Dell recommends Windows Vista” banners, and it’s still possible that Dell will offer only low-end Linux systems, stuffed into a dusty little corner of their website where no one who wasn’t given a direct link would ever find them like HP did when they claimed that selling Linux “failed” (how can something fail when it was never given a chance?), but it’s at least a start, and an opportunity for Linux to make real inroads to the average user’s desktop. Not that I’m convinced that Linux is ready for the average user (“My operating system? Operating system. Um…is it AOL?”), but neither is Windows, and they’ve been using that for years. I’m not a Linux zealot and indeed, don’t really give a flying fuck what OS anyone uses, but if Mac and Linux present any significant threat to MS’s current desktop monopoly, it can bode only well for users. Big businesses with no competition nipping at their heels get lazy and cheap (see: ISP, cable and telephone companies).

Now I remember why I had never joined Flickr groups. Aside from the fact that I’m not by nature a “joiner” (I’m a “do what I want and if you want to come along, I won’t stop you”), having to be even virtually social makes me tired, and I don’t like to have all of those “new posts in your groups” messages on my page because it looks like stuff I need to do (even if I really don’t). I don’t even belong to many groups, but if I wanted to keep up with the new posts, I’d have to sit here all goddamned day. Now, one of my contacts (added him only because he added me first and some of his stuff is pretty good) has sent me not one, but two invitations just this morning. I ignored the last two from another contact (I like almost all of her stuff, so I added her), and I’m going to ignore these, too. My pro account runs out in June, and I might just let it expire, then register under a new name and hunt down the few contacts that I really do want to keep. I don’t want to be rude, but damn, people make me tired. Even virtual people. 😉

Dear Arseholes Living Two Houses Down The Street,

As much as I am pleased you’ve finally got rid of that fucking yapping little mutt you used to leave outside all day, “vocalising”, the Rottweiler isn’t any better. Less yap and more woof, but still VERY GOD DAMNED ANNOYING. I understand that you have to work, and that you can’t take the dog with you, but you could housebreak, and then YOU COULD LEAVE IT IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE SO I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT ALL DAY!

Love and delicious thoughts of antifreeze (for you, not the dog),
Your neighbor two houses down who likes dogs and could still cheerfully strangle yours, except it isn’t the Rottie’s fault, it’s YOURS FOR LEAVING HIM OUT THERE ALL DAY, YOU INFINITELY STUPID BASTARDS.

Jeezus….I need a tranquilliser rifle, or at least a tranquiliser for me. That stupid mutt hasn’t shut up for more than two minutes at a time since I opened the windows this morning. Every time a squirrel farts somewhere on this street, it barks. It was probably barking before I opened the windows, but I couldn’t hear it. If I close the windows, I’ll have to run the A/C, and I don’t imagine those dumbfucks down the street would pay the extra on our bill for running the air when it’s only 72F outside.

Holy shit. I am not easy to shock, not at all. If a kink exists, I’ve probably at least heard about it, and as long as both parties are consenting adults, I’m fine with it even if I can’t understand why anyone would want to do it. Screw anyone who’s old enough to do so legally and both physically and mentally capable of consenting, and put it anywhere you want…fine with me. Stick rubber, plastic or produce anywhere that makes you happy, pierce or mutilate whatever body parts you want as long as they’re yours. If you’re a 41-year-old man and want to dress up as a baby, or wear a leather mask, or even dress as a fuzzy stuffed toy, go for it. If shit is your thing and you long to be tubgirl, great–just stay out of my bedroom and my bathroom. Goatse doesn’t faze me one bit.

Obviously, I’m aware that some people engage in sexual relations with animals. After the story about the guy in WA who died of a perforated colon after having been anally penetrated by an Arabian stallion, I was (like everyone else who doesn’t live under a rock) perhaps more aware. I couldn’t stomach the video because it made me sort of queasy, but I knew it existed. What I didn’t know until this morning was that there is (at least one) forum for so-called zoophiles, and not only is it a public forum (don’t have to register to read), but it has…how-to guides. Holy Jesus Christ on a skateboard! I surfed there from a link in a wiki that led to a link, that led to a link, that (…) but…words literally fail me. I suppose on some level I wasn’t shocked because I guess I knew that such things probably existed, but I would’ve expected they’d be set up so that you’d have to register to read. Nope, you too can see the illustrated how-to for ladies with dogs or the guide to anal penetration. You can even read about the guy asking advice on what to do after a dog’s penis got “knotted” (I’m not sure what that means) in his anus and now he’s in severe pain and can’t…well, do the sitting down business in the bathroom. Holy…fuck. Holy…fuck. I am literally, physically nauseous, and although I’ve been to some of the darkest corners of the Internet, it’s been a long time since anything made me sit there, utterly stunned with my jaw dropped in shock. How on earth can these people call themselves zoophiles? “Phil-” means “love” and if you love your dog or your horse, you don’t have sex with it! An animal cannot consent; it can do only as its master tells it, and it has no concept of what is right or wrong. This is wrong. It’s wrong on so many levels that I can’t even wrap my brain around it. I really thought I might vomit, and it’s not like I’ve exactly led a sheltered existence. How does a person even get to the point where he (or she–women there, too) becomes willing to cross the species line? How can someone think that a dog ever enjoys anal penetration? Some people do, and that’s fine–at least a person can say, “Yes, do it.” A dog wants only to please what (s)he considers to be the pack leader. I was there when they bred the horses on the farm. I’ve seen what a stallion is packing. The logistics of putting that anywhere into a human body…just…holy…fuck. Holy…fuck. I need some Dramamine.

Jesus Christ. That’ll teach me to go look at pictures of tattoos. I like tattoos–had one since I was seventeen and lied about my age to get it–but they’re not for everyone, everywhere. Mine is on my left shoulder and I mostly don’t even think about it, but DAMN, some people just don’t get that sometimes, it’s not a good idea to draw undue attention to your body parts (or your version of “self-expression”).

Tattoo rules:

1. If you have a muffin top, don’t tattoo your abdomen. It’s already jiggling as it hangs over your jeans, and we don’t need help to notice it.

2. If you have lumpy cellulite hips, cankles and fat feet, lose the butterfly. Butterflies are delicate but they can’t make you the same.

3. Ditto if you’ve got round shoulders and big, flabby boobs. We don’t want to see whatever it is peeking out from behind the folds because you’re wearing a tank top. Blech!

4. If you are a skinny, pimply white boy, that flaming skull will not help. You are still a skinny, pimply white boy.

5. Guys, before you tattoo biceps, chest or shoulder, make sure you have them in the first place. You know what they say about tattoos–the closer the bone, the more it hurts!

6. You will have to explain to your grandchildren that Super Mario was a video game put out by a now-defunct company called Nintendo. They will stare blankly at you as you explain the importance of the mushrooms.

7. No matter how much in love you think you are, do not tattoo anyone’s name on your person unless it’s a parent or your dog. Even if it’s in binary, it still counts, and looks even dumber because you think you’re clever.

8. Star Trek was a television series and some movies. Star Trek is not real and neither are Klingons or The United Federation. Why do you want to be a walking franchise advert?

9. Unless your sentence is “life without possibility of parole”, do not tattoo your face, period. I don’t care if you think the little heart with the curlicue is cute. You’re twenty now, but when you hit fifty and gravity does its stuff, people won’t even know what it’s supposed to be.

10. Ladies, do not tattoo your lower back at all unless you live in a trailer park, had at least two children by the time you were old enough to vote, and your boyfriend drives his rusted out IROC-Z with the windows up so he doesn’t mess up his mullet. That type of tattoo is called a tramp stamp for a reason.

Oh my GAWD, there really was a desk under all this shite! Even though I didn’t completely clean it up (it would take a full day just to sort through the papers I’ve got shoved into and beside folders), I did finally clean up my workspace. Now, it seems like my monitor sits up higher, but that’s just because it’s no longer drowning in a sea of paper, cards, DVDs/CDs, pens, hair accessories and the like (and dust–lots of dust). Still, the effect is so apparent that I find I’m tilting my head up to compensate even though I know for a fact that the monitor is still the same height it was an hour ago when I started this, and so is my chair. Maybe that’s why I never clean my desk–saves strain on my neck. 😀 I put my webcam in the little cupboard-y thing that I use to store cables and stuff (writing that so I don’t forget I did it) because I found the poor thing buried beneath install guides for Samba on Breezy and Compiz on Dapper (which I never got around to trying). Feisty is due out this week (unless it’s delayed) and I’ve been using Edgy since it came out; if the webcam was buried under Breezy and Dapper stuff, it hasn’t been used in a loooong time! 😆

I’d go get a cup of coffee, but I washed my coaster and don’t want to accidentally spill anything on it. Heh.

Well, I guess it figures. I’ve had a Flickr Pro account for almost a year. I got it mostly so I don’t have to fill family and friends’ Inboxes with attachments, and it’s only lately that I’ve even had much activity on my images. Might have something to do with the fact that I’d never registered for any groups until (I think) last March. I mean “last March” as in “last month”, when I finally broke down and registered for an S3 IS group and an S3 IS macro group. The only one I actually submitted to was the macro group, but whatever. The point is that I’ve got more contacts now and a few more people are seeing my pictures. I guess I don’t really care, but on some level, it’s sort of nice to not feel like I’m the only one who thinks the ones I posted don’t suck.

Anyway, I’ve put up lots of pictures. Some of them not too bad, if I do say so myself. I try to pay attention to the colours and get a shot balanced without making it look too “rigid”. I’m not a photographer and don’t care about being one, but I do love to take pictures of things that interest me or things I think are pretty. My better ones end up on Flickr. Lots of them are aquarium pictures. Lots of them are fish pictures. Some of them are even Ubie pictures, since he’s never once met a lens he didn’t like.

So when I finally do make Explore, what picture does it? Is it one of the ones with which I’m pleased because I fiddled about with manual settings and used available light to my advantage so I wouldn’t have ugly “flatness” from the flash? Nope. One that’s particularly creative? As if–I don’t possess a creative bone in my body! How about a fish picture of a particularly pretty betta boy? Uh-uh. No, the picture that makes Explore is one of the set I took of Ubie, the guy I bought because he was a homely little leftover that I doubted would get a home, and he’s terrorising his scruffy old brown ramshorn snail with his mouth in a most unflattering position. His tank light was off, the room was dim and all I had time to do was run for the camera, set it on Auto, poke the Macro button and flip up the flash. The original had specks of paper towel lint, but I still didn’t bother to use Photoshop; all I did was remove the worst of the specks with the clone stamp in GIMP and boost the blue up a bit in the midtones because the poor lighting made Ubie’s colour look more yellow than it is in real life. I put it there mostly to show a couple of friends whom I thought would find it amusing. Yup, the full-auto snapshot taken with the flash and edited in GIMP is the one that made Explore. Go figure.