Okay, so it’s my own fault. I already know that films and TV shows fuck up anything computer-related, but I find the whole topic of “virtual humans” and androids utterly fascinating, and live for the day when I can have my very own Data. (Is it weird to have a half-crush on an android?) Plus, Rachel Roberts is beautiful (and Canadian), and it’s Friday, and I had nothing better to do for a couple of hours, so I thought I’d watch S1m0ne. I knew it hadn’t got great reviews, but that’s all right–wouldn’t be the first time I’d watched a movie that never should have been made (Norbit, anyone?), and I really was curious to see how badly they’d fuck up the computer stuff.

I was doing okay when the crazy, dirty hacker-type with inoperable brain cancer (microwaves from the monitor?) and only one eye explained that he’d spent eight years working on making CGI seem real. Then, the HDD with S1m0ne’s program data on it was delivered to Viktor (Al Pacino, whom I actually like). Obviously, the actual director didn’t think that the average viewer would have any idea what a HDD looks like, because when he opens the package, the head and platter are clearly visible. I guess we’re supposed to think, “Ooooh, that must be some kind of important computer-thingie!” I decided to pretend I hadn’t noticed that, but again had to cringe when he…put it into some sort of “drawer” that resembled a CD/DVD tray, and the computer seemed fine with that. Christ. I’ve owned a few computers and worked on many more, and I’ll be damned if I’ve ever seen anything like that. Oooo-kay, I guess I don’t expect most people to know that the HDD goes inside the case; you don’t just dump it into a drive like a DVD. I let it go, and kept watching. We are never told exactly how Viktor knows how to operate this complicated program that creates a virtual human being, or where the hell he got the custom keyboard with commands like “loop” and “live” right on the keys when all that was delivered to him was the HDD, but…okay, I’ll let that go, too. Maybe he’s just a digital prodigy–who knows?

I actually thought the movie was okay. Not great, and I damn-sure wouldn’t have paid to see it in a theatre, but for the bandwidth it cost me, it was all right. Near the end, after Viktor has decided to “kill off” S1m0ne, they say a tearful goodbye, and he inserts the disk bearing the virus that will kill her. The disk. This movie was released in 2002. This disk…I haven’t seen a 5.25″ floppy since the 80s. Early 90s at the outside, and then only on old machines. By 2002, even 3.5″ floppies were becoming scarce, but nope. I guess Hank must have been working on S1m0ne for a helluva lot longer than eight years if “PLAGUE Ver. 8.1” was on one of these babies!

Sadly, even if the disk is ancient, and no self-respecting computer in 2002 had a 5.25″ drive, S1m0ne is still destroyed. I have never actually had a virus on my own computer, but I have fixed one or two (heh) that did, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen one that destroyed data like it was going through a goddamned paper shredder.

Now, we say goodbye to S1m0ne as her data is dumped into a travel trunk (why, why, why is it always a travel trunk!?). We see CDs and/or DVDs, 3.5″ floppies, and the infamous HDD with platter and head exposed. See me cringe again.

One thing I did have to admire was Hank Aleno’s headstone. If I intended to have a burial plot and headstone (I don’t–I’m an organ and body donor), I’d like to be “Remembered Virtually Forever”, too! 😆

It was near the end that I finally became unable to suspend reality. Of course Viktor’s 16-year-old daughter is computer literate (I was with the movie that far), and just by poking around a little on what obviously has to be highly customised hardware (I checked twice and I do not have a “Loop” key!), she stumbles across the Eject command, ejects the 20-year-old floppy disc, immediately understands that it contains the virus that “killed” S1m0ne, and somehow, knows how to recover S1m0ne in her entirety…from the virus disk. Jesus…wept. Of course, we re-create S1m0ne by….exactly the opposite visual representation of her destruction. Jesus…wept.

By the end of the movie, I was thinking, “Well, thank Christ I didn’t pay to see it or buy it.” Hollywood, this is the 21st century, and although the average moviegoer might be an idiot, we aren’t all idiots, and you might try a little harder to get at least enough right that you don’t drop computer-literate people out of their enjoyment by deeply insulting their intelligence and knowledge.