Forget where I saw it, don’t know who wrote it, don’t care. It’s just plain fucking funny.

Didn’t you know? If we allow gays to get married, it will only embolden them, and then they will get all Mission Impossible on helpless, unsuspecting heteros. You know, a married couple will be in their bedroom, innocently having sex in the dark with the man on top–just the way god intended–but then, crouching in the shadows of the ceiling, there will be this gay dude hovering up there in a big spy web, infrared goggles on, lubed up and ready to go. He’ll zero in on that poor man’s butthole like a bullseye and then with split-second timing, right before the man orgasms, he’ll go shooting down on his bungee cord, plunging balls-deep into the man and turning him forever and ever gay and totally ruining his marriage and forcing him to frequent glory holes in no less than three states a month.

True, too. WTF is the matter with people? Who gives a shit if gays want to get married? If a lesbian couple moved in next door, married or not, that doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to stop looking at hot guys (NEVAR–until I die, baby!) I’m hetero because it’s what I am, and nothing is going to change that, just as nothing would change me if I were gay instead. Jesus, leave them alone and let them get married; they might as well be as miserable as the rest of us. (Just kidding!)