Dear Arseholes Living Two Houses Down The Street,

As much as I am pleased you’ve finally got rid of that fucking yapping little mutt you used to leave outside all day, “vocalising”, the Rottweiler isn’t any better. Less yap and more woof, but still VERY GOD DAMNED ANNOYING. I understand that you have to work, and that you can’t take the dog with you, but you could housebreak, and then YOU COULD LEAVE IT IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE SO I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT ALL DAY!

Love and delicious thoughts of antifreeze (for you, not the dog),
Your neighbor two houses down who likes dogs and could still cheerfully strangle yours, except it isn’t the Rottie’s fault, it’s YOURS FOR LEAVING HIM OUT THERE ALL DAY, YOU INFINITELY STUPID BASTARDS.

Jeezus….I need a tranquilliser rifle, or at least a tranquiliser for me. That stupid mutt hasn’t shut up for more than two minutes at a time since I opened the windows this morning. Every time a squirrel farts somewhere on this street, it barks. It was probably barking before I opened the windows, but I couldn’t hear it. If I close the windows, I’ll have to run the A/C, and I don’t imagine those dumbfucks down the street would pay the extra on our bill for running the air when it’s only 72F outside.