Holy shit. I am not easy to shock, not at all. If a kink exists, I’ve probably at least heard about it, and as long as both parties are consenting adults, I’m fine with it even if I can’t understand why anyone would want to do it. Screw anyone who’s old enough to do so legally and both physically and mentally capable of consenting, and put it anywhere you want…fine with me. Stick rubber, plastic or produce anywhere that makes you happy, pierce or mutilate whatever body parts you want as long as they’re yours. If you’re a 41-year-old man and want to dress up as a baby, or wear a leather mask, or even dress as a fuzzy stuffed toy, go for it. If shit is your thing and you long to be tubgirl, great–just stay out of my bedroom and my bathroom. Goatse doesn’t faze me one bit.

Obviously, I’m aware that some people engage in sexual relations with animals. After the story about the guy in WA who died of a perforated colon after having been anally penetrated by an Arabian stallion, I was (like everyone else who doesn’t live under a rock) perhaps more aware. I couldn’t stomach the video because it made me sort of queasy, but I knew it existed. What I didn’t know until this morning was that there is (at least one) forum for so-called zoophiles, and not only is it a public forum (don’t have to register to read), but it has…how-to guides. Holy Jesus Christ on a skateboard! I surfed there from a link in a wiki that led to a link, that led to a link, that (…) but…words literally fail me. I suppose on some level I wasn’t shocked because I guess I knew that such things probably existed, but I would’ve expected they’d be set up so that you’d have to register to read. Nope, you too can see the illustrated how-to for ladies with dogs or the guide to anal penetration. You can even read about the guy asking advice on what to do after a dog’s penis got “knotted” (I’m not sure what that means) in his anus and now he’s in severe pain and can’t…well, do the sitting down business in the bathroom. Holy…fuck. Holy…fuck. I am literally, physically nauseous, and although I’ve been to some of the darkest corners of the Internet, it’s been a long time since anything made me sit there, utterly stunned with my jaw dropped in shock. How on earth can these people call themselves zoophiles? “Phil-” means “love” and if you love your dog or your horse, you don’t have sex with it! An animal cannot consent; it can do only as its master tells it, and it has no concept of what is right or wrong. This is wrong. It’s wrong on so many levels that I can’t even wrap my brain around it. I really thought I might vomit, and it’s not like I’ve exactly led a sheltered existence. How does a person even get to the point where he (or she–women there, too) becomes willing to cross the species line? How can someone think that a dog ever enjoys anal penetration? Some people do, and that’s fine–at least a person can say, “Yes, do it.” A dog wants only to please what (s)he considers to be the pack leader. I was there when they bred the horses on the farm. I’ve seen what a stallion is packing. The logistics of putting that anywhere into a human body…just…holy…fuck. Holy…fuck. I need some Dramamine.