Jesus Christ. That’ll teach me to go look at pictures of tattoos. I like tattoos–had one since I was seventeen and lied about my age to get it–but they’re not for everyone, everywhere. Mine is on my left shoulder and I mostly don’t even think about it, but DAMN, some people just don’t get that sometimes, it’s not a good idea to draw undue attention to your body parts (or your version of “self-expression”).

Tattoo rules:

1. If you have a muffin top, don’t tattoo your abdomen. It’s already jiggling as it hangs over your jeans, and we don’t need help to notice it.

2. If you have lumpy cellulite hips, cankles and fat feet, lose the butterfly. Butterflies are delicate but they can’t make you the same.

3. Ditto if you’ve got round shoulders and big, flabby boobs. We don’t want to see whatever it is peeking out from behind the folds because you’re wearing a tank top. Blech!

4. If you are a skinny, pimply white boy, that flaming skull will not help. You are still a skinny, pimply white boy.

5. Guys, before you tattoo biceps, chest or shoulder, make sure you have them in the first place. You know what they say about tattoos–the closer the bone, the more it hurts!

6. You will have to explain to your grandchildren that Super Mario was a video game put out by a now-defunct company called Nintendo. They will stare blankly at you as you explain the importance of the mushrooms.

7. No matter how much in love you think you are, do not tattoo anyone’s name on your person unless it’s a parent or your dog. Even if it’s in binary, it still counts, and looks even dumber because you think you’re clever.

8. Star Trek was a television series and some movies. Star Trek is not real and neither are Klingons or The United Federation. Why do you want to be a walking franchise advert?

9. Unless your sentence is “life without possibility of parole”, do not tattoo your face, period. I don’t care if you think the little heart with the curlicue is cute. You’re twenty now, but when you hit fifty and gravity does its stuff, people won’t even know what it’s supposed to be.

10. Ladies, do not tattoo your lower back at all unless you live in a trailer park, had at least two children by the time you were old enough to vote, and your boyfriend drives his rusted out IROC-Z with the windows up so he doesn’t mess up his mullet. That type of tattoo is called a tramp stamp for a reason.