Jesus Christ. Why do people insist upon slinging this shite around the Internet, and specifically to MY email Inbox (in HTML format, forwarded seventeen times with a list of 300 addresses, and full of remote images…which I block automatically)?

Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately — without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional “pain relievers.”

Sure! Assuming that your headache is caused by dehydration or the fact that you need electrolytes, or that you’re susceptible to placebo effect. Otherwise, aspirin or acetominophen might be a better idea.

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?

Strangely, medical practitioners still recommend cool water and a light covering to reduce the risk of infection. What’s next–gonna tell me that butter is a remedy?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They’ll clear up your stuffed nose.

Uh-huh…unless my stuffy nose is caused by my allergy to idiots like you. A Vick’s inhaler costs about two bucks, and so does a tin of Altoids. Your choice.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

If this is your idea of a treatment for aching muscles, please sit downwind of me at all times. Aspercreme doesn’t smell like anything at all; I’ll be using that, thanks.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

No, it doesn’t. Honey is a decent antibacterial, but vinegar is not. If you want to scarf sour vinegar mixed with super-sweet honey, you go right ahead. Pass me the Mentho-lyptus, please!

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly — even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

OR…it isn’t advertised for that use because it doesn’t work! When you get your degree in medicine and have practiced for a few years, I’ll give this a shot. Until then, I think I’ll stick with antibiotics for bacterial infections, and my own immune system for viral ones.

More uses for Alka-Seltzer are; To clean a toilet, drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait 20 minutes, then brush and flush! (the toilet) The citric acid and effervescent action also cleans vitreous china. In water it also cleans jewelry. To unclog drains, use three tablets in water with some white vinegar. Two tablets will clean gooey flower vases, and a tablet wrapped in a moist cloth will soothe insect bites.

Whatever. Spare me the household tips, Heloise–I know ’em all. BTW, bleach does a passable job of cleaning and disinfecting toilets, and plain baking soda will fizz with vinegar…did you know that?

Honey remedy for skin blemishes… Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Overnight? Meh, not likely. Honey does have antibacterial properties, though. Then again, so do lots of other things that are much less sticky and don’t involve band aids on your face. Oh, and you know what really works well to reduce the redness and swelling when you’ve got a pimple? A little trick for you that most models know…Preparation H. The same ingredient that reduces the swelling of haemorrhoids works on the other end of you, too, and it isn’t even sticky! No band aid required.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus… Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your! toenails looking healthy again.

You’d do as well with rubbing alcohol. The alcohol in Listerine is no more useful against fungus than isopropyl. Better yet, take your fungal feet to a podiatrist–they’re disgusting.

Easy eyeglass protection… To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Known in the mechanical world as “put some Loctite on it.” Any nail polish will dry with exposure to air; it need not be Maybelline, nor even clear if you don’t mind a brilliant bit of red on your frames.

Coca-Cola cure for rust… Forget those expensive rust removers Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

I take it you don’t watch Mythbusters? Coke does have some use in rust removal, but so does the very act of scrubbing. CLR will probably save you some time and effort.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer… If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can’t find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Or hair spray, or air freshener, or bleach cleaner, or Tilex Fresh Shower, or… Spraying an insect in flight is gonna fuck up his day no matter what you use.

Smart splinter remover…just pour a drop of Elmer’s Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Sure, but if the splinter sticks out from your skin far enough to get tightly caught in the dried glue, you’d do just as well with a steady hand and a pair of tweezers. Or did you just miss playing in the paste?

Hunt’s tomato paste boil cure…cover the boil with Hunt’s tomato paste as a compress. The acids from! the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

So will hot compresses, and without the glob of red gunk. Tomatoes are acidic, but a boil is infection, not an alkali that reacts with acid.

Balm for broken blisters…To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine… a powerful antiseptic.

Or rubbing alcohol. Fifty-nine cents a pint, too! Listerine isn’t a fucking balm, moron–it BURNS. Did you never see the commercials?

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises… Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Unless vinegar somehow drives coagulated blood from beneath the surface of the skin (it doesn’t) and repairs broken blood vessels (it doesn’t), it doesn’t heal bruises. Time heals bruises, not Heinz.

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog’s bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Funny…in all those years I owned dogs, the vet never once mentioned that one to me.

Rainy day cure for dog odor… Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

OR…like springtime fresh wet dog. I can’t think of a more revolting combination that doesn’t involve rotting seafood.

Eliminate ear mites… All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat’s ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat’s skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Only WESSON corn oil, of course, and no other vegetable-based oil will do. Hell, my mother uses baby oil on her cat (Johnson’s, of course!)

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief….It’s not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

This just in! Heat helps relieve the pain of arthritis! Dumbass, the oatmeal isn’t doing anything for the arthritis, the heat is. Oatmeal can help soothe irritated skin, but it won’t soothe your joint pain. Don’t believe me? Try cold oatmeal. 😉

Jeezus, people. Grandma wasn’t right about everything. Half-arsed remedies offer half-arsed results.