I don’t fuss with my hair. There was a time when I did, but I was in my 20s then, so what did I know? It’s still curly because that’s how I was born, and it’s still long because that makes gravity do most of the work of controlling The ‘Fro. I wash it when I take a shower, condition it when I’m not too tired or too lazy, and that’s it beyond an occasional blow drying if I’m in a hurry. I do, however, have to switch shampoo once in a while. I don’t know (or really care) why, but if I don’t, The ‘Fro becomes even more rebellious (this is potentially more frightening than you might think). Having fought it for all these years, I know when to give in; I just switch for a while, then go back to what I always use.

I was a bit distracted, talking to L. on MSN when I was at Wally World on Sunday. P. was in a hurry, so when I remembered that I needed shampoo, I told him to just go grab something for dry or colour-treated hair (mine’s not dyed, but colour-treated hair is typically dry, so it works). Being a guy who would wash his own hair with a bar of Irish Spring if I didn’t get actual shampoo for him, he is understandably confused by the dizzying array of different brands and different types. Being a guy married to me for so many years, he did the most logical thing he could think of…he looked for something pink. He said he found this, in a bright fuchsia bottle, so he looked and it said, “shampoo for long hair.” He thought, “Well, that’s what she’s got–this oughta do it!” and dropped it in the cart. I love guy-logic. 😉

I didn’t look then, but when we got home and I was putting stuff away, I read the bottle. The stuff is Clairol Herbal Essences, which I’ve heard of, and this one is called “long term relationship.” The print at the bottom says, “With a fusion of red raspberry and satin. Our love grows longer.” Oooo-kay. I don’t want to buy it dinner or move in with it, I just want to wash my damned hair, but the name is vaguely clever, and it smells like raspberry, so…whatever. Then, I got curious about the marketing and read the back of the bottle…

Now it gets really strange. The back of the bottle reads:

I’ll help your hair live a long, healthy life

Long story short, I’ll strengthen your hair against split ends and breakage. So, get lost in your length with my velvety fusion with red raspberry and satin. It lavishes every inch of your hair, protecting against damage and leaving it so luscious, you’ll love it up and down, all around town.

Use me: massage me into your hair. Lather up. If you long for more, rinse and repeat.

Jesus. Is it just me, or does that sound more than slightly lascivious? Seriously…c’mon. Satin? Satin is a smooth, shiny, man-made fabric, usually polyester, maybe with nylon, popular for weddings, proms, lingerie and office Christmas parties (also lingerie at office Christmas parties). Okay, so marketing-speak, meant to call up visions of shimmering, satiny locks, cascading over smooth, elegant shoulders. Yeah. Well, that’s not gonna happen with The ‘Fro, but whatever. The rest, though, is just fucking weird. “Lavishes every inch of your hair”? Number one, “lavish” is an adjective, not a verb; and two, it’s abundantly clear to me that I’m supposed to make a mental connection to the word “ravish”. WOO-HOO–ravish me, you sexy bottle of water, surfactants, preservatives, colour and fragrance! Let’s see…”get lost in your length with my velvety fusion?” Goddamn…is it getting warm in here? I actually think I read that in an erotic novel once. “Massage me into your hair”? Um…how ’bout I just wash with it. “Love it up and down and all around town”? Ack. Don’t whores charge extra for that? “If you long for more, rinse and repeat”? I can state with authority that I have not once in my life “longed” to wash my hair. I do it because if I didn’t, I’d look like a homeless person and feel like I had fleas. I feel fairly confident that I won’t long for more.

I know that sex sells, and I’m certain this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, aimed at a demographic of 20-somethings, but Jesus Christ, I just wanted shampoo, not soft porn! 😛