Okay, so I don’t actually hate anyone, including your stupid self, but I do harbour an enormous, intense dislike for you, both you personally, and those like you.
“I set up my aquarium and it looked just perfect–so beautiful, and it really made a nice addition to the room décor! A few of the fish died in the first few weeks, but it’s okay now, and I was able to find replacements that were the same colour, so the tank looked good again. Then, I bought live plants, and there were snails on them. Oh, the horror–terrible little things, and they just didn’t look good! I put some snail-killer in the tank, and that killed them, but then the water went cloudy. The guy at the pet store said that they had stuff to clear the water, but it didn’t work, plus it left nasty, fluffy brown stuff on the bottom, and I didn’t want to clean it, so I tried a different kind, and that worked. Then, I got this horrible green algae on the ornaments and plants! I threw out the plants, but I couldn’t find new ornaments that were the same colour as the wallpaper in the room, so I need to keep these ones. I got some stuff that says it kills algae and put it in, but it didn’t kill the algae. Now my fish are all acting funny. Some of them are hanging at the top and some are lying on the bottom, and they all look really pale. I am using water conditioner, plus that stuff that means you have to change the water only a couple of times a year. The blue fish wouldn’t even eat this morning, and I don’t know what’s wrong. PLEASE HELP ME!!!”
The only help I can offer to someone like you is this advice: Find a nearby aquarium club, and either post on their message board or call the contact number, and tell them that you have fish, a fish tank and all of your supplies to give away. Don’t try to tell them what kind of fish, because you don’t know. You went to Petsmart, picked out whatever went with the carpet in the room without asking even the idiot high-school kid what they were or reading the labels on the tanks, and that’s all you know. Just tell the aquarium club people that you want to get rid of everything, and then get yourself either a pet rock or one of those revolting little yappy dogs. I don’t have to know you to know that you’re a woman, and you’re a soccer mom, and you live in a “really nice subdivision” in a McMansion that you can’t afford. You probably drive a Tahoe, and you can’t park worth a good goddamn. Your kids are over-scheduled, and your husband is nagged to death, or at least when he’s not working 14h days so you can “spend time with the children.” Not that you do, of course, because they’re always off at some practice or another, since that’s the only way they’ll ever get into a good college. Yes, I know you…you shop at the upscale stores in the mall, but you can’t quite afford designer stuff. If your hair is dark, it’s streaked blonde, and if it’s light, it’s bleached blonde. Cut in some kind of chin-length style, too, and you buy your cosmetics from the Clinique counter, and your coffee from Starbucks, where you’re a bitch to the barista. You wear an enormous, hideous diamond ring that your husband could not afford when he asked you to marry him, but he went in hock because he knew you wanted it so you could show your friends how much he wanted you. You go to church on Sunday, but not because you really have any spiritual feeling about it; it’s a social event for you, and a chance to see who’s underdressed according to your standards.
Oh yeah, I know you, and you have no business keeping any live animal. That’s a fish tank, you stupid fucking bitch, not a cocktail, and there are times when a fish tank doesn’t look the way you want. That is because it’s a living (if closed) ecosystem, not a decoration, and the fish don’t give a flying rat’s arse what it looks like, just as long as the water’s fit for them to live. If I knew where you were, I’d come over there and take the goddamned fish from you myself, you stupid cow, and give you a good smack while I was at it. Maybe knock some sense into you.
*pant* *pant* Okay, I feel a bit better. Heh.
