There are some truly disgusting foods eaten in various parts of the world. Korean silkworm pupae (canned in their own murky grey-brown “gravy”), the Korean wine with baby mice in the bottom of the bottle. The Philippines (China, too, I think) has balut; a fertilised duck egg that is allowed to develop until the fÅ“tal duck has tiny, crunchy bones, then boiled. The maggot-infested Sardinian cheese that weeps for its own existence, and is actually illegal in the only place on earth where anyone might actually want it. From Mexico, cuitlacoche, which, in English, is called “corn smut” and is a fungal disease that would cause a US corn grower to destroy the plants…and a Mexican to eat it. In Mexico, someone once looked at giant ant eggs and thought, “Hey, I’m hungry!” so you’d better look carefully at the contents of that burrito. Authentic Chinese bird’s nest soup that is actually made from birds’ nests because swiftlets make their nest not from twigs and grass, but from strands of their own saliva, which is apparently tasty. Yum–bird spit! In Iraq, the innocent-sounding word “pacha” actually means, “whole, boiled sheep’s head”, and is probably the only sheep dish in the world that makes fucking haggis seem appetising. Jellied eels from the Thames (and if they’re caught in the Thames, probably toxic eels as well). The Norwegians’ world-famous lutefisk, though after reading over this list, lye-soaked cod actually doesn’t sound too bad. Having heard the taste description “fish-flavoured Jell-O”, though, I think I’ll give the lutefisk a miss.
It wasn’t until I was looking last night for fish disease information and ended up on an aquaculture site that I discovered Sweden isn’t off the hook. While it is true that Swedes are somewhat guilty for lutefisk, too, its origin is Norwegian, so I’d given them a pass. The link was to a story about an airline ban on cans of something called “surströmming”. I think the literal translation for “strömming” is something like “swarm”, and the word is used for herring because of the way they swim in schools. I don’t know that because I have any particular love for herring (though kippers are pretty good), but because B once told me, when I’d asked a question about Karlskrona, that people from Blekinge Län are called “herring stranglers”. He told me the Swedish name, but I forget. I’m sure that Blekingar have some equally unflattering name for SkÃ¥ningar, but I didn’t ask because I also know that Swedes are proud not only of their country, but of their läns (länen?), so it would have been rude. (I am curious, though.) Anyway, that’s how the subject of herring came up; now back to surströmming…
The literal translation is “sour herring”, and that is just about the biggest goddamned understatement I can imagine. What is it? It is…fermented Baltic herring. Why was it banned on airlines? Well, mostly because the can is under pressure. A can under pressure? Yes, a can under so much pressure that it’s bulging. Why? It’s still “working” when it’s canned. Also, there’s the issue of the smell.
How the hell did anyone, anywhere, ever come to the conclusion that after fish had been stored at warm temperatures in a barrel for two weeks, with the odours of rancid fat, rotten eggs (from the hydrogen sulphide gas) and decomposing fish wafting off it, that the thing to do with it was…eat it?!?
Wife: “Oh, goddammit! We’re out of preserving salt, and now I’ve got this big barrel of herring left over. Well, I can’t lift it, and Björn is off on a fishing trip, or says he is, so I guess it’ll just have to stay here, sitting in the summer sun.”
Two weeks later…
Husband: Honey, I’m home!
Wife: Well, it’s about damned time…and you smell of perfume and stale akavit. Where have you been? Never mind–I want you to move a barrel of rotten fish. It’s been sitting out there in the sun for two weeks and from the smell, you’d swear the New York garbage collectors were on strike again. The wallpaper is starting to peel in the living room. I want it out of here, now!
Husband: Okay. Can you make me a sandwich while I’m gone?
Outside…
Husband: Jesus H. tapdancing Christ–what a stink! Wheee-ooo! That’s some baaaaad shit right there–my eyes are watering and I can’t breathe. What the fuck was she thinking? Why didn’t she at least dump it…wait…actually, you know, that doesn’t look too bad. Hmmm…well, it’s fish. I like fish. Maybe…yeah, I guess it looks like it’s still okay. (shouting) Hey, honey! Never mind the sandwich!
How? Just how does anyone decide this is a good idea? What must be wrong with the mind that would conceive of this? Modern surströmming is made by rotting (okay, “fermenting”, then) the fish in barrels for a couple of weeks, then canning the result. It’s still “working” even after it’s canned, and the gases cause the can to bulge. If I saw this on the shelf at Schnuck’s, I’d go get the manager before someone died from food poisoning.
An open can, and yes, a different brand. Defying all rational explanation, there are actually different brands because there is apparently enough of a market to support more than one company manufacturing this shit. The smell is so bad when the can is opened that it is always eaten outside, and many people open the can under water to help smother the stench.
No, Sweden, we will not let you off the hook for utterly revolting foods, even if this unholy concoction is eaten only in the north (I guess the southerners are more sensible, or have actual, functioning taste buds and a sense of smell). Surströmming, my arse…how do I say, “so utterly revolting that the very fabric of space and time was rent asunder” in Swedish? Actually, this might have some use in the US market as a diet aid. One look at it and you wouldn’t want to eat for a week. Too bad Sweden can’t export it because airlines consider it a potential weapon. Oh, wait–so do I!
