(Spoiler warning, not that it really matters because the whole thing’s transparent anyway.)

I knew what this was before I decided to watch it. It’s slash, blood and gore, and little more. Well, lots of boobs and the occasional arse, but given what passes for a plot–college guys backpacking around Europe in an effort to do as many women as possible–I can’t say that’s a surprise. Anyway, even though I was not expecting a real plot, dialogue that went much beyond screaming, or anything remotely resembling realism, I can still say I was disappointed. I slogged through the first forty-five minutes or so without much trouble, but after that, it was a chore to sit there…and I really could’ve done without the vomit. People scream, people get tortured and killed, the heterosexual American guy survives (the closet gay dies, of course, since homosexuality is evil and deserves to be punished), escapes (killing some of his Slovakian captors) and tries to save the Japanese girl, but she sees herself and is horrified by her disfigurement, so (of course–she IS Japanese) she commits suicide. Heterosexual American Guy finds the evil frustrated-wannabe-doctor and chops off the same bits he (the American) lost, then drowns him in the toilet like the shit he (the doctor) is. Of course the doctor was cruel and insane; everyone knows those Slovakians are uncivilised savages anyway. The evil Russian and Czech girls and the bad French guy who lured them there in the first place all get what’s coming to them (of course they do), courtesy of Heterosexual American Guy, who does, of course, speak fluent German because he is Cultured, Educated, Heterosexual American Guy. Sorry if I spoilt it for you, but you’d have figured the whole film out in the first twenty minutes anyway. Ninety-five minutes of my life that I’ll never get back, but at least I spent it in my comfy chair.

Poor P didn’t get to play in his much-anticipated tournament; it was cancelled because the weather was shite. 🙁